Revising with Williams

Original sentence:

A credit adjustment of 100 percent of tuition and fees for the fall and winter semesters, less the $40 nonrefundable registration fee, will be made to those students who cancel their registration or withdraw from the University through the eighth class day. For the spring and summer sessions, a 100 percent credit adjustment, less the $40 nonrefundable registration fee, will be made during the first four days of classes. Actual dates are printed in the class schedule book for each semester and session or on the Web.

Revised sentence:

For a credit adjustment with less than a $40 nonrefundable registration fee, in the fall or winter, 100 percent of the tuition and fee's will be returned to the student if they withdraw or cancel their registration by the eighth day of class. The same applies for summer and spring semesters, as long as the student withdraws within the first four days of class. Exact dates are printed in the class schedule book for each semester or on the web.

I chose to re-write this particular paragraph because when I first read it I didn't really understand what it was even talking about. I had to read it a second time, slower, so that I could understand what it was actually about. The original paragraph makes the writing impersonal. I wanted it to appeal more to the person reading it and to appeal to anyone reading it. Most of the sentences and some of the words in it were too broad and didn't make it sound like they were directly writing to a student, or even a new student, more to a person that has already had to deal with that situation or that works in the University. The way the sentence was arranged was also what made it hard to read, so I rearranged it to satisfy the flow of the reading as Williams suggests. There were also different ways that I arranged the sentences that got rid of useless words that just cluttered the sentences, making them even harder to understand. Overall with the advice and reading of Williams I think that I made this sentence easier to read and understand, increase the flow and make the writing a little more personal so someone can relate to it.